12/12/12/12

I bought a condo...
 

I take possession at 12pm 12/12/12....
 

So, I guess the Mayans called it...the day Tanya Kostichuk makes a commitment the world will end.

 

 

 

 

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Time to go, but how to get there?

Car To Go has been introduced to Calgary.  Basically this is a shared car service.  There are hundreds of smart cars scattered throughout the main part of the city and with a valid swipe card, one can hop in the nearest car and drive it around the city, then discard it at a random location for the next hungry-to-drive individual.  They've been in operation for a couple of months and have collected a fair following.

Then silently they raised their per-minute costs.  It's not that they've only been in operation a short time and raised their fares, it's the silent part that gets me.  They didn't advertise the hike in rates, they merely charged them and then published the new rates in euros on their website that irks me just a little.

So I say, "Screw you Car To Go, I'm going to take the alternate - Cart To Go."

What's the difference you ask?  Well I'm glad you did.  First of all, there is a one dollar fee to unlock, then NO per minute fee to drive.  Second of all, I don't need an app for a smart phone to find a smart car - no - all I need is smart me to skip down to the nearest Safeway or alternate grocery mart, pick one up and I'm on my way!

See...there's me....

oh no, wait...there's me.....

Yes, I haven't grown much since high school...or junior high....or okay fine, since I came from the womb, but you get the idea.  And see there's even room for another passenger in the back.  Unlike Car To Go where passenger #2 has to ride in the trunk!

Yes folks, you've seen the future - Cart To Go!

Now that's Smart!


*Note: credit for the artwork does not belong to me, but to an anonymous, yet very talented aspiring artist.



(And just kidding, it really is a fabulously innovative idea!  Credit to the Car people.)


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Two-Way Traffic

There is a sign on the door to the bathroom in the office I am currently calling home, it reads "Caution, two-way traffic".

IT'S A DOOR!

WTF.

A door...a  part of the wall that opens and closes...indicates in itself two-way traffic, does it not?!?!

Please stop messing with Darwinism.  Firstly - and maybe lastly - two-way traffic signs should only posted if you are in TRAFFIC!   And only then, if it was one-way and changes to two when you might have been flicking the radio to another station.  Then I get it --

Warning: don't try to overtake the car in front of you without signalling/looking to ensure you are safe to pass when you look up from the radio static.

But on a bathroom door....come one!!!  If you can't figure out that a door in a hall indicates there might be someone coming out on your way in - I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you are the weakest of the pack!


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Thank you IOS6

People tease me –

“Tanya, can I book you for coffee in 2014?”

“Are you free for lunch in November?”

“When an hour for a pint opens up in your calendar, let me know.”

"I had to book this five weeks in advance..."

Hahaha.  Ha.  Ha.

Ok, maybe there is some truth to it.  My calendar is full of dots.  My life is dictated by 15 minute reminders.  I have to actually schedule laundry-time or no one ever stays home long enough to do it.  Waiting for the maid is useless, trust me…I’ve had to buy new underwear waiting for the maid...

A couple days ago I plugged my iphone into my mac and said Yes to the IOS6 update.  Beautiful!  

Except it erased my entire calendar.

My first reaction was: Upset. 

“Oh my gosh,” I thought, “where am I supposed to be tomorrow?  Hell, where am I supposed to be NOW?”

Then I looked at my calendar and saw that I was supposed to be nowhere, doing nothing. 

So I relaxed and that’s what I did.  And by the looks of it - that's my October!

Who says man is smarter than machine – IOS6 was the best thing that ever happened to me…I'm telling you it is a fantastic feeling to have nothing to do and all the time in the world to do it!

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Easy as Pie

"Tanya, want to play squash on Tuesday?"

Sure

"K.  Court time is 4:45."

Ok.  So I just show up at the club and wait for you to escort me in?

"I didn't know you were in the escort business."

Well, technically you would be the escort.

"Oh ya right.  I do have a guest pass for you."

Cool.  See you then.  Oh and Prepare For Defeat!

"You won't win.  I won't go easy on you."

Nonsense.  I've never even heard of an escort who wasn't easy!



:).

T: (biting into the largest, SOUREST green apple you can imagine at the office the other day): Oh, uh, man!  That is the sourest apple I've ever tasted!

P: (co-worker): Little tart?

L: (from his office): WHAT DID YOU CALL HER??!!





You never miss the work, you miss the people.

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Mission Possible!

I get bored, and when I get bored I try to find things to do.

Actually, that isn’t true – I don’t get bored, I’m not even sure I really know what that means. Sometimes I get scared that I’ll get bored so I take precautions. Usually too many. Thus ensuring that I never get bored…or sleep.

Hmmm, it kind of makes me wonder what happened to me. You know, like someone is afraid to swim because they remember their dad throwing them in the lake when they were little and they almost drown. Something like that must have happened to me to create this intense fear of boredom. …I also have an unreasonable fear of spiders. I wonder if they have something to do with each other. Like maybe I got bored once and ate a spider.

Anyhow. That is neither here nor there. What is here and now is that I have found the perfect winter activity!!

I am going on a quest! A quest to find the best burger in town! Me and my x-work-hubby are going to determine where to find the best burger in (or around) Calgary. We will be judging in categories like Pristine Presentation; Best Buns; Juiciest Meat; etc. to find the most delicious combination of burger, bun, toppings. I can’t wait!! I do, after all, love a good burger….especially with a nice glass of wine! And even better when watching big fluffy snowflakes falling!



…although I have to admit, since we talked about eating spiders I’ve kind of lost my excitement for this whole thing.



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Plan for the Future

This morning I decided to join a senior's bridge club.

Not because I like bridge - in fact, I've never played - but because I realized that one day I'll be a senior.  Sure, maybe not for fifty more years, but the way I see it, if I start now, by then I'll be unstoppable!!  I'll have such a huge edge on all the other seniors by then that I'm sure to take home the pot week after week.

So there it is - my retirement plan...spelt B-R-I-D-G-E-M-O-N-E-Y!!  So tomorrow, I'm cashing in my RRSPs.

RRSPs - HA!  You think that's a good retirement strategy??  No way man.  Take the Two-Step-Tanya-Plan...now there's a nest egg!

Step 1: spend your money NOW.
Step 2: win it back later!

When I reach my golden years, watch out grannies!  I'll be spending your grandchildren's inheritance when I clean up at the card tables over tea and crumpets!


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Not-So-Sweet Revenge

It was Thursday.  I got up, went to work, worked, had a pita and veggies with my homemade hummus for lunch, worked more, then looked at the clock - oopp!  2:45, time to go!  Dentist appointment at 3pm.  Just the usual cleaning bit you know.

Still, I don’t like dentists.  Not only do I think there is fundamentally something wrong with people who want to stare at the insides of other people’s mouths all day (one summer I bar-tended...one round of Upside Down Margaritas I had to pour into open mouths was plenty enough for me for a lifetime....ugh...), but I’ve also had bad experiences in the dentist’s chair - complete with shards of my own jaw bone making their way out into the world.  So, ya, I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to dentists.  

Anyway...back to Thursday...when I settled into the chair, I profusely apologized to the nice hygienist lady, “Oh sorry, I completely forgot that I had a dentist appointment today and had hummus for lunch.  Sorry, um, about the garlic.”

She gave me the old, “Oh it’s ok!”

But the truth is...I knew.  I knew when I didn’t chew that stick of gum on my way over; I knew when I was enjoying my lunch; I even knew Tuesday night when I made my hummus and threw in a few extra cloves of garlic...

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Big Bag Bust

I ran out of sandwich bags.  So, when I went to the store for milk, I stopped in the bag aisle.  I found the sandwich bags and picked up the box of 50 bags.  But then I saw that the box of 75 bags was half the price.  Who's the idiot who would buy 50 bags for twice the price of 75 bags I thought!??  Not me!  So I put back the box of 50, grabbed the 75, paid half the price and went home with a big smirk on my face!

Next morning I made myself a nice sandwich - turkey on squirrel bread with sprouts and cucumber slices.  I opened my new box of bags and went to insert my sandwich to find that it only fit half way.  WHAT?!  What the heck is this?

I pulled out my sandwich and examined the bag - it was sandwich size across, but only half the depth of a sandwich.  I've been ripped off!

I grabbed the box and took a closer look.  "75 bags 16.5 cm x 8.2cm".  WHAT THE F???  A slice of bread is approximately 16.5 x 14.9 centimetres.  Duh.  Okay.  Who's the idiot now??

YES.  That's right - it's the guy who made a Half-A-Sandwich bag.  What good is a half a sandwich bag??  And to top it off - if you are going to make a half a sandwich bag at least put an even number of bags in the friggin box.  So now, because of some guy who's obviously never even had a sandwich, I have to make 38 sandwiches, bag 37.5 sandwiches for lunches and let the second half of sandwich #38 go stale on the counter.

All because some guy who failed 'How to use a ruler 101' goes into bag making.  What's next - Half-A-Pair-Of-Shoes boxes???



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Trilogy

I work in IT.    I'm pretty nerdy so I fit in....most of the time....

Co-worker 1: Did you hear they are making the Hobit into three movies?

Co-worker 2: Ya, that sucks.  Like that isn't a money grab.

Co-worker 3: Where are they going to get all the extra content from?  Even with the appendices they can't stretch it into three movies.

Co-worker 4: I can't believe it either, but you know I did find some clips online and it looks like they are going to do some pretty cool stuff.

Tanya: I wish they'd make Magic Mike into three movies.


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We've All Got Problems

Tanya:  I want a beer.

Ashley:  You have a problem.

Tanya:  Yes.  I do not have a beer.  That is a problem.

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Go Fish

Did you know that SpongeBob SquarePants is a cartoon that takes place underwater?  And did you also know that each character that has a house, also has a kitchen that comes equipped with a kitchen sink with running water. 

Imagine you work for utilities in that neighbourhood. 

“This month your water bill comes to $78.12.  IDIOT!  You could have just used the water that is already filling your sink and your drawers and your house and outside your house and the whole town and outside the town…."





I guess there is a reason you aren't supposed to watch cartoons after age ten....

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A Stand-Up Comedian Once Said...

"Hockey reminds me of a night at the pub - all the guys who can't score get frustrated and start fights."



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Donut Hole

Deep inside the Calgary city limits one can find a sign that reads, "Jelly".

Behind that sign, through the door is a gourmet donut shop. A little donut shop that boasts anything from Classic Jelly to S'mores to PB&J to Red Velvet Cake to Bacon flavored donuts. Yup. Bacon.

And the creative minds that first opened those doors have brainstormed another doozy - a Wine/Donut pairing evening!  That's right, tonight people will be sipping grapes whilst nibbling on tidbits of timbits.

http://guestlistapp.com/events/93567


This is all pretty cool. Pretty creative. Pretty impressive. But do you know what would be more impressive??

If they baked the donuts AROUND the stem of the wine glasses. Then you take a sip, take a bite, and back and forth, or forth and back, depending on which you favor more, but all the while you have a free hand!!

Free to shake hands with people, free to scratch your itchy arm, free to grab a second glass of donut/wine...


Ya, ya, I know...I'm a genius.

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You look 90! ...or do you just play volleyball?

My co-worker said, 'What happened to your thumb?'

I said, 'I jammed it.'

He said, 'Ya, but how?'

I said, 'Playing volleyball.'

He shook his head and said with what sounded like remorse, 'Volleyball is hard on your looks.'



"P-A-R-D-O-N???" I exclaimed as my hand instinctively shot up to cover the pesky grey hairs that have appeared on my head.  What exactly was he trying to say, and how did this conversation go from my thumb to my apparently no-longer-youthful looks anyway?!  Who was this guy??  And how soon can I schedule an emergency hair appointment!  What about this Botox thing?  I should google it - has it really come to that?!...my head was spinning as I looked up and our eyes met, he was giving me a very odd, quizzical look when he said, 'I said volleyball is harder then it looks...what did you think I said?'

'Oh, yes, haha, that is what I thought you said,' I replied out-loud.

In-loud though, it sounded more like, 'Ok.  Ok.  I can still play volleyball - good, whew...  Cancel Botox.  Hair appointment, not urgent, yet....  Heart rate, nearing normal.  Mis-directed anger dissipating quickly.  This man is alright.  Nice guy actually, we should really chat more often...'



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Pain Killer

I recently injured my thumb.

I have taken a baseball in the chin, but let me tell you - thumb pain is worse. I was on the verge of passing out! Which apparently is a common reaction to a thumb injury...I wouldn't have believed it before, but I believe that now.

Anyhow, many days later, the thumb was still painful, it was bruised and swollen, and well, it's just not the easiest thing to ice!!

I got to feeling sorry for myself, and I thought, "this is the worst injury possible!"

That is until someone pointed out to me that really the only way to treat this particular injury is by constantly hanging onto a cold beverage.


And by golly, it helped! I am now an advocate of the thumb injury - Best Injury Possible!!

Wait, how did I get home?! What day is it? Why is there a lamp shade on my head?! What? Thumb injury?! Who's got a thumb injury?

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Just One T

A friend of mine said, ‘meet us for beers after work, it’s my buddy Mat’s birthday.’

 I said,’You mean, Matt?’

 He said, ‘no Mat. One T. No kidding.’

 ‘What?!’

 He said, ‘True story, his mom named him Matt, but the doctor spelt it wrong and then his mom thought it was kind of cool and unique and so left it.’

 Ok.

 ...no wait...

 Really? Who is this mom that would name her child after a floor mat?

And I may not get an A+ in spelling, but I can certainly spell Matt, or John, or Jack. And I'd certainly want to see a doctor that could too. Just sayin....


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Dick Clark Passes, Age 82

2013 cancelled.


Those Mayans, they knew.


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Would you like egg with that?

Subway has introduced a new egg salad sandwich - that's awesome!
They are also trying to conserve their green pepper supply - not awesome.


So I order, "egg salad, brown, not toasted, lettuce, green peppers, red onion....uh..."

The lady put two green pepper slices on my sandwich.

I look at it. I look at her.

'Could I get a few more green peppers?" I ask pleasantly.

She doesn't take her eyes off me except for a split second - just long enough to roll them.
Sighs loudly.
Reaches back to the green pepper bin, picks up - and I'm not kidding - an entire green pepper and plops it in one lump on one end of the sandwich.
She stares me down.
"A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G--E-L-S-E?"



I wanted to say, "How bout a smile?!" and flash her one of my own.

But afraid of getting knocked in the head with a bottle of secret-subway-sauce, I went with the more acceptable, "No thank you," then went home and enjoyed my green pepper sandwich.



I'm guessing it was neither milk nor green peppers in her cornflakes that morning...



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It's a Tough Life

1. only 8 days of work left!

2. only 10 days until I have a week off in saskatchewan to spend with family...and just in time to celebrate my mom's birthday too!

3. only 17 days until I embark on a very exciting new gig!



My biggest problem these days is trying to decide what I'm most excited about...



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Once A Cheater....

From my office there is a Starbucks to the west and a Starbucks to the east. The east one is closer, but the walk is outdoors. The west one is a little bit farther, but you can get there without ever having to set foot outside. So on warm days we head east, cold days west.

It doesn't matter to me ever which one we go to. Either one knows that when I walk in with Kelcey we want two iced green teas - one half sweet, one no sweet. So we walk in, they shout out our order, we nod, smile and exchange pleasantries as we hand over our cards and accept our drinks. It kinda has a Norm-ish from Cheers feeling - they know us by drink. It's a nice feeling!

On one chilly afternoon though, our perfect world came crashing down.

It was chilly - we wanted Starbuck - so naturally we went west. We ordered from the lovely young Russian lady, talked, laughed, then stood at the counter and waited for our drinks.

Suddenly this guy ran over, threw his arms around us and said, 'Hey I know when you are cheating on me!'

We both stared, startled for a moment...know the face, what's the place??

Oh ya -

"Hi Doug!"

Oh shoot.

Doug smiled.

"No, I know what this looks like, but Doug, we don't come here often, this is our first time in another Starbucks, really!"

"Tanya, Kelcey - your green teas are ready" said the barista from behind the counter.

"Well, uh, Doug, sorry, uh, they must have read our name from our cards that we got from your place, umm, I've never seen these people before, uh, uh....sorry, it won't happen again.......Oh no, wait, sorry ladies, yes we'll come back here too, I mean, not 'too' I mean we only come here with our business, we don't know Doug, never seen him before..."


Ya.
We need a new north or south Starbucks.




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It's Caesar Salad, not Caesar's Salad.

I went to a pub.

Wait, I know, you are in shock. Me. In a pub.


Anyway, it happened. I went to a pub. I ordered a beer.


Ok, look, if you keep rolling your eyes and nodding smugly at me, we will never get through this.



So the other day, I'm in a pub with a pint and I ordered the Bison Burger.

The waitress says, do you want fries, soup or salad?

I said, do you have Yam fries?

She said, yes, for two dollars and fifty cents more.

I said, why? is a sweet potato that much more expensive then a potato? And do you realize that it doesn't cost two dollars and fifty cents more to put romaine lettuce on a plate with dressing and dried up old bread then it does to put lettuce on a plate with Italian dressing and tomatoes and cucumbers?? So why do you charge a premium for Caesar salad? Did frickin the mighty Caesar himself make it?

And yams - you buy bloody yams wholesale. Do you know how many yam fries you can make for two fifty? Are you saying that those are all going to be on my plate?

You know it wasn't so long ago that yams had a bad rap. They were the vegetable that everyone was forced to eat at thanksgiving. Mothers used to yell - Johnny, eat your damn yams.

Now they are as marked up as a subway station bathroom stall.


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What's in a Name?

Do you ever spend time wondering why things are called what they are called? I do. I probably spend (waste) a lot of time on the matter. But every once in awhile I make a breakthrough, which makes it worth all the time I devote to (waste on) the matter.

For example, the other day I figured out why twins are called twins.

I said to myself, 'twins.'

'Twins.'

'Tw-wins.'

'Tw-Wins.'

And then it hit me - say "Two Wins" really fast - what do you get - YES - "Twins"!!

And that's exactly how it must have happened. The first time a caveman and cavewoman saw two cavebabies come out, the mom must have said, "Oh my gosh!! Two little angels?! I was blessed with two little angels?! At the SAME TIME?! Oh, lucky me!!!! That's 2 wins. Yes!! Two wins!! Hey, two-wins, ahh, fitting, I shall call you Twins!"



The dad thought, "TWO?? I have to take care of TWO????? At the SAME TIME??!?!? Club me now..."



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The Men Who Stared at Goat Hair

I was looking at a make up brush, a brush made to apply rose to cheeks for youthful rosy cheeks. God knows, I could use youthful.

Anyhow, I'm flipping through this order catalogue and in the brush section and reading about the blush brush, it says, "made from natural goat hair."

'Natural' Goat Hair??

As opposed to 'Artificial Goat Hair'

Maybe it's just me, but I think this doesn't need to be specified, cause I tell you, if I'm making artificial hair, I'm hardly going to bother replicating the goat. I'd make it flashy - Artificial Gorilla Hair, or Artificial Hair of the Extremely Rare and Mystical Unicorn, or Artificial Hair of a week old Cottonelle kitten. Who the hell would pick Goat? It's fake, it could be anything. Have some friggin imagination.



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Save big on books!

So I'm at Chapters and this guy comes up to me and hands me a Valentine's day coupon. The coupon says that if I purchase a greeting card, I will receive 10 percent off my purchase, or the possibility of more savings.

Well, I know me and so I'm banking on the 10 per cent. Which is still good right?! Especially considering I need a Valentine's day card anyway.

I look down at the book in my hand $18.95. Cool, save a couple bucks anyway, maybe even 4 and thus pay for the card really. Cool. Going to get both, may as well get both here and save some cash.

So I beeline for the card aisle. On display are of course, lovey-dovey pink and red valentines cards. I pick up the first one that catches my eye. Read it...nice...flip it over...

$8.95.

EIGHT NINTY FIVE.

For a CARD.

They want my life savings so that I can save just shy of $1.90. for a CARD?!?!?! that will be in the trash bin before the book is even done.

No thank you. I put the card down. I put the book down. I set the coupon on top.

So long suckers!!



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Zig first, and then Zag

I read that if you are being chased by an alligator you need to run in a zigzag. Alligators are pretty quick on land, but not so talented in the agility department. Therefore, if you run straight you'll be sure to see the inside of the gators mouth. "My what sharp teeth you have..."

But if you zig and then zag and then zig again, you will lose the little bugger who can't change directions with any sort of efficiency.


I guess I should be grateful for this tidbit of knowledge, but the truth is, I'm saddened by it.

See, I always thought my demise would be to be eaten by an alligator...but now if I kick the bucket via alligator I'm kinda just an idiot who didn't zag.



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Snap, Crackle, Pop

I went to a silent film last night.

Did you know that at a silent film you can hear the guy in the front row chomping on his popcorn all the way from the back?


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Advice on Aging

My co-worker said:

"Don't worry about getting older - you can still do all the fun stuff...

...you just have to eat Tums."



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Twas a Fool Who Said There Is No Such Thing As A Dumb Question

I went to a talk last night by a National Geographic underwater photographer. He spoke and showed his work for an hour and a half. It was riveting!

He talked about his experiences diving, about his desire to protect the underwater world - to save the coral, to change people’s opinions on ‘sharks as monsters’, to end over-fishing.

He told us about the day a whale swam with him for 2 hours - so long that he had to kneel on the bottom for a rest at one point. A point where he was sure the whale would just swim off, but instead the whale stopped patiently and stared at him with a big sympathetic eye - as though he knew that the tiny creature's awkward appendages were all wrong for swimming.

He talked about the diversity of the ocean around Japan, about the behaviour of Manatees when no one else is looking…about the mating rituals of squid and the helpless Harp Seal pups that he was the first photographer to shoot from outside of a helicopter.

After his talk he opened up the floor to questions.

A few people got up asked a few questions that pertained to the subject matter and the man they were staring at. Questions such as, "What advice would you have for someone wanting to work for National Geographic?" or "Which of your photographs do you think had the most impact?" or even "What are some of the scariest moments you faced while diving?"

Then a woman stood up and said, “I go to Hawaii with my husband. We love it there and go often. We like to swim and would like to go in the ocean, but I’m so afraid when I’m snorkelling or swimming of those scary Tiger Sharks, like the ones you mentioned earlier. Ewwwwww. So I was wondering, what advice or tips you had for scaring off those, ewwww, scary sharks? Like maybe colour of my bathing suit?...blah,blah,blah...I know the hotels dump their garbage and food scraps in the water, which would attract sharks...blah,blah,blah...I'm a lawyer, do you think the sharks would give me professional consideration?”



Seriously?


Yup. Seriously.



He said, “MmmmHmmm. Well, if you are in an area where you know hotels are dumping food and garbage and you know sharks will be attracted to that, I’d recommend you don’t snorkel there.”



You wouldn’t think someone from the National Geographic would interfere with Darwin's Natural Selection, but I guess he had a certain obligation being asked directly in a public forum...





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An Actual Conversation at Dinner

Daughter: You should see it - she got this cool tattoo!

Father: What is it?

Daughter: It is her birthdate in roman numerals.

Father: Is she Roman?



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DANGER! It's bedtime...

Sunday night I went to bed, I woke up Monday with such a crick in my neck I couldn't turn my head to see if it was in fact, actually Monday yet.

I have spent the last four days with shooting pains up my neck, numbness down my arm, and a knot of spasming muscles in my shoulder that are pressing on some nerve causing agony that I've never felt before and rendering sleep impossible. To top it off, I contracted a touch of a cold that came with regular sneezing fits and a cough - which both cause extreme difficulties when you are unable to move your head/neck/arm. Ahhh, it's been fun times at my house.

Yesterday I went to the massage therapist. She said what did you do? I said it was fine when I went to bed, hurt when I got up and then the first sudden move I made sent searing pains up my neck and down my arm that left me sobbing.


I have:

- jumped out of an airplane at twelve thousand feet outside of Edmonton, Alberta;

- had guns pointed at my head by teenagers while biking up a treacherous mountain in the middle of the night, in the rain, in Nepal;

- naively stood a foot and a half away from an alligator who was in the murky waters between the paths at Red Frog Beach, Panama;

all of which I walked away from unscathed, yet suddenly I can't go to bed without risking injury.


I turn thirty-five in a few days. I'm scared. I wonder if they make matching pyjama/helmet combos.




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1 Meter of Play Dough

For Christmas I gave my three year old niece 20 cans of play dough, each one a different colour.

10 days later she has one can of play dough, 20 different colours.